Monolog - Creosote

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Sam's Enchanted Evening version

During The Residents performance of Sam's Enchanted Evening at The Marsh in Berkeley Sam would give many monolog in-between almost every song. Here is a transcription of this monolog as found on the Klanggalerie release of this show.

Hey! Yo-yo-yo-you know what creosote is? You have creosote around here? Mo-most people don't know what it is, it's this black, goopy stuff that comes from coal, that they use to treat uh telephone poles, you know, makes them last forever, uhhh. Also, just happens to give you uh cancer of the scrotum, if you're the kinda person who has a scrotum, uhhh, 

Well, my daddy owned a creosote factory. Now that may not sound like very much but, it was the only creosote factory around there so every telephone for hundreds of miles around were all treated in My. Daddy’s. factory. Heh! We were rich.

Well, you know my daddy started to get kinda old so of course he put me in charge of the Creosote factory, and, you know, the big thing back then was, expansion! We had to expand the market for creosote, so I had this big idea! I had this big idea. Christmas trees, Christmas trees! I mean, you know uh, if if if, if creosote could make telephone poles last for 1,000 years what could it do for Christmas trees, Hell! people wouldn't have to buy a new one every year, leave the god damn thing up all year around if they wanted to.

So, I didn't want to tell my daddy I was gonna surprise him, so, you know, I went out and I ordered 20,000 Christmas trees. Treated them all with creosote, and we sold uhh….15….15 trees.

*Mack plays*

Mostly to uh, other members of the family. How was I supposed that people wouldn't buy black christmas trees that smelled like tar and gave you cancer! 

*Laughter*

It was a dark, dark Christmas. 

You see, the thing was I just, I just, I never could live up to my daddy's expectations! He loved me I know he did in his own and he gave me everything I ever wanted, except, except himself. He just, he was always too busy to go to my football game or take me fishing.

So what the fuck! That's when I started drinking! I mean serious drinking, I could always put it away but heh, you know, right after merry FUCKING CREOSOTE CHRISTMAS, and, and, and, and right after Suette left me. I just started going out and getting BOMBED, POLLUTED EVERY NIGHT! 

And so, he fired me, he fired me, my daddy fired me. And he put FB! FB! My fat fucking brother, he put him in charge of the creosote factory. 

You know. *Segues into next song*

List of releases

• Sam's Enchanted Evening (2023)

See also

• So Long Sam
• Sam's Enchanted Evening